How are you ? It has been more than 40 days since you left us . I miss you … I miss the chuckie talks when you would pushed me in a corner of admission. I miss your ” wow” comments even if my selfie were out of this world ..
You have been a part of my chitchats small or unrelevant talks during my breaks I miss that too. If I would enumerate all the little things that I missed from you I know a blog would not be enough.
Our last conversation you just said goodbye to me in a very subtle way . I tried to swayed you to wait for me … my way of asking you to fight a little bit longer . We know it was an uphill battle and you have won them all . You have survived the hardest storm of your life, and the time has come for you to rest . No more pain .. That is why even if our hearts are in pain we have gladly let you go . Worry not for everything will be taken care of .
A vow for a friend has been made.
About a week ago we had the most beautiful heartfelt party . It was both a celebration of our life and the friendships that we have made along the way.
Ter , I know you are smiling down at us … You are now our personal angel..
Bob , Totskie, Dangs, Randy( yes si capt humot🙃) and rest of the Moonwalkers89 misses your naughtiness and the energy that you shared every time we will have our activities .. Fly with us Ter as we will embark a new phase in our Journey .
Seventeen years ago I lost my youngest brother due to pancreatitis . He was thirty years old and full of dreams.
His death came unexpected ,his death left a huge hole in my heart . A hole that I have learned to co-exist seventeen years after his gone . Each year stronger than myself I would relived the journey that I have been through , our the last conversations and the emotions.. Seventeen years , I still felt that I have come short as a sister and a friend .Seventeen years.. I still have the “maybe if …I could have .. ”
I have admired the friendship that he have built with his friends seven years after his death Christopher one of the homeboys continue the passion that they all have . He would organize a basketball tournament among group of friends .
This is their way of giving tribute to a friend , brother , playmate .. Every year around this time .. when I would normally shed tears Randall’s cup is born.
Randall’s cup is an ode for my brother .. this is a manisfestion on how he was loved by the people that surrounds him .
At this time of the year . I would look at the pictures of these basketball tournament with a smile in my heart … I would look up thr skies and imagine that He my angel , my benjamin , my brother , my friend is smiling down at us ..
He is gone but never be forgetten .. I will love him till I will see him again
Cocoon is a silky web of spun that helps a caterpillar transform into a beautiful butterfly. In our life a turbulence of emotions and experiences can also be considered as a cocoon. For as we come out of a certain situation we are transformed into a better version of us . My moments of cocooning; rising up and choosing to become a butterfly.
Caterpillar in Me
September 20, 2007 it was the day that I knew how it feels to lose someone you love . It was the day that death becomes Him. I lost my youngest brother and my closest friend . I remember the excruciating pain. A Pain that up to this day leaves an imprint to my heart and soul.
This was our most painful and longest flight that my Mother, my Brother and myself have ever took going back home.
I can still remember in my silence I would take a deep breath played strong and would comfort my mother, my sister in law and brother . I need to be the rock to carry them through till the end of the whole process . I took my own emotions aside .. I know I can deal with her later after I am sure that all my loved ones were comforted .
Like a caterpillar I would swallow as much grief and sorrow that my mother and brother has . Until it was time for me to take my moment to deal with my grief , retreated to myself cried when no one can see me . Dried my tears and put on smile to comfort my mother . I didn’t count the months or the years that has passed . I just took my time to learned and absorbed all the things that happened around me.
Until that morning….
Usually between the 1st week of September till the last week that my brother had lived , I would relived the whole event over and over again . This was the time of the year where I would ran longer distances than I used to so I could numb the pain and the self blaming ( I would blamed myself for not doing good enough , yes me, myself and I were not friend yet.)
Until that one morning, I was with my usual fierce numbing moment , I met a lady who was having a leisure walked . She smiled at and I nod back , then she started talking me , irritated but trying to be polite ; I slowed down and engaged the conversations with her. I can still remember vividly how she smiled at me and asked why are you punishing yourself ? your brother doesn’t like seeing you like this .. Surprise, I looked at her without a word she just hugged me and I have cried like I have never cried for ages . It felt like I have let go of a burden that was in me for years .
I lost my beliefs in Angels and my faith was damaged deeply when my brother did His journey to eternity . But all those questions, doubts were answered that morning , She was an Angel in disguise so as I have choose to believed up to this day . She has helped me understand death and acceptance .
We could never defeat Death and accepting the outcome of fate doesn’t have to do with who wins or loses the battle .It is just LIFE and its painful cycle.
I picked up my pieces , I am ready ….
In life we would encounter moments that could break us , experiences that could enriched us . Everytime I get broken I turned into me , reflected the experiences and learned from it . Each time I am hurt I will take time to cry but I will always dried my tears and turned at the situation with forgiveness and a smile.
It will always take time to processed everything like a caterpillar that would take time to transform.
But at the end of every turbulence when we are done cocooning , We will not become a colorless bitter moth .
We will choose to be a butterfly with colourful wings that will have the enthusiasm to explore the different scents and colors of life.
Let that colourful wings of ours engulf the energy of Love , Wisdom and Strength that has embodied US in every life experiences.
*fun facts to know : cocooning was a word by Ms. Faith Popcorn