We are surrounded with pulses of events .. Events that exudes moments , Moments that can be source of small happiness.
This are compliation of moments that I love to cherish and how I use them to remind me that life is full of events that are worth to grateful with
These are my Journal of Happiness
RESTART Is Sometimes the Necessary Solution
Thursday , woke up with an headache and a heavy heart with no apparent reasons . We all have those days that even if the sun shines brightly at the horizon we felt so gloom inside . Wearing my best mask (that would be my smile ) started my working day with the 92 years old client of mine .
When I have arrived we did the routinary stuffs ..Until she asked me if I could help her with Ipad . It has been days that she couldn’t do any facetime with her daughter who is living abroad .
We all know that during these pandemic times to be connected with our loveones who are far from us means the world .
After our morning walks I started checking her IPAD . Did the necessary steps but still no avail in connecting with her daughter .
While they were talking through my whatsapp , I was busy with her IPAD until I remember …. the cardinal rule in gadget “if you have some issues try to restart the unit.” And as expected the IPAD works again facetime !!!
That moment when the face of her daughter shows up on her screen the 3 of us hailed like we just won a lottery ..The joy of reconnecting , the smile on their faces was priceless .
Sometimes we are face with situations that we are fixated with a certain pattern of behaviors and views .
A pause or restart maybe the necessary step to take . For us to see a certain situation in a different views .
Sometimes we need to take a breathe so we can step out of a vicious cycle .
Restarting into something can be a source of new joy in our life … let us never hesitate to restart …as Craig D.Lounsbrough said
“Starting over begins when I develop a reawakened appreciation for what I already have, a renewed recognition of what I’ve recklessly forsaken, a rehabilitated understanding that I foolishly do both of those things, and a revitalized commitment to live the rest of my life never doing either of them again.”
“Life is too short to be unkind to YOURSELF” — Holly Habeck
We tend to project and give in to the pressure of the society on what beauty is and the ideal body looks like . I am no exception to these I am 100% a whore to fit in the body image . I call myself Ms. Wanting to fit in .
This is where all it started
As a child I was always been chubby , I never had a complexity with my body . People who are dear to me have always accepted the way I am .
Until adolescence came knocking on my door .. Suddenly , I wanted to be the muse instead of a class mayor .. but year after year I never became one .
Insecurities towards my body image started to creep in … I started to diet ..yes ! I tried all kinds of diet craze Atkins , fruit diet , cracker diet , no carbs, I just mimic the fad without understanding the principle behind every eating principles ..I yo-yoed my way through the “acceptable body” to the point that I have suffered an eating disorder .
Eating disorder the answer of my dreams ?
Just right after college I became more obsessed with controlling my weight .
It all started with just 2 spoons of rice and it has escalated to almost not eating ..The hunger sensations gave pleasure . My once chubby self has now changed into “the acceptable size ” .
I barely eat and even drinking water gave me that sense of fear and guilt to become fat . Hence anything that comes into my system must come out , Vomitting is the solution . I have the body that I have always dreamed of ( as I believed so)
Vomitting gave me that sense of control …
I had started with anorexia then turn to bulimia .. A love affair that would stay with me for quite awhile . I can still remember vividly how I would walked in and out to the kitchen of my aunt’s house ( I was living with them) so they won’t suspect that I haven’t eaten yet or I would tell my aunt that I ate with my friends or at my friends house, I always have an excuse ready to avoid eating.
Food at this phase is both an enemy and lover . There were days that just by staring I could visualize what’s in it and find reasons why I shouldn’t eat it . And if I do, it must come out of my system as fast as possible.
There were days when I would just eat because I felt the hunger. But then ended up feeling guilty because I ate .. and I would punished myself .
It was an endless vicious cycle .. I thought it was a part of a diet and has denied the fact that I have an early on set of anorexia -bulimia .
When you suffered from eating disorders it stays with you even if you have overcome the adversity .. It is like having a sleeping demons inside of you that would be awaken anytime a situation becomes uncontrollable or you want to punish yourself.
The Turning Point
December 25, 2003 as I battled my inner demons I gave birth to a beautiful son . It’s the only perfect unconditional love that I know. I would do anything and everything for him and that includes healing myself.
Rerouting to a healthier path is never easy . It is a cocktail of relapsing , patience and moving forward . All I know is that giving up is not an option.
Embracing my womanhood means it is not compromising yourself to the fads of diet schemes . It is appreciating every curves and marks that my body has . Sleeping at a decent time and eating the right healthy portion .
Exercise at least 30 mins a day would help clear your mind and cleanse your skin . Yoga is my favorite it is in harmony with my whole being with respect and acceptance to who I was and who I am now .
LOVE HEALS …
The cardinal rule of becoming healthy are Exercise , Proper diet , adequate sleep and LOVE .
Love plays a major role here .. this is the basic principle in succeeding into our health goals .
Because of Love we will try to respect and listen to our body. It is due to this respect that we are motivated to nourish both our body and mind ( through meditation )
Love pushes us to honor our agreement with our health . This is manifested through our dedication towards our exercise goals .
Love radiates inward that would makes us feel better . Loves exudes outward as our confidence grow and our determination persevere .
Love taught me and is teaching me lessons .
As Rumi said
“Let yourself be drawn by the stronger pull of that which you truly love.”
Special thanks to my editor
Ms.Marelle Apas who patiently read every single word of my chaotic blog
My Family who helped me walked through the challenges of life and My Friends , my personal dolphins who listens with open soul.. forever grateful
The magic of friendship comes in a very unexpected moment it will just spark and glow.
Thirty years after highschool I met you again shy but fiesty. Given a certain situation you would expressed your thoughts without any hesitation . It is at times the unedited version of the whole scenario that is playing in my mind, you just have articulated it they way that you have seen and felt it ( I would have the edited version ) . A refreshing way of looking into your perception on a situation .
With this, Chuckie, Ter Krims my endearment for you is born ..you would put me off balance no matter how much I would practice yoga and daily meditation.. you could make me blush like a tomatoes and caught my simple supposedly unmarked actions .
I love the way our friendship grows . You, Teh and Dangs color my rainbow
a little bit brighter that it used to be.
Thank God for being you. The YOU that would stand for your friends regardless of what. The YOU that would make us laugh , smile and The YOU that would surprise us .
Cocoon is a silky web of spun that helps a caterpillar transform into a beautiful butterfly. In our life a turbulence of emotions and experiences can also be considered as a cocoon. For as we come out of a certain situation we are transformed into a better version of us . My moments of cocooning; rising up and choosing to become a butterfly.
Caterpillar in Me
September 20, 2007 it was the day that I knew how it feels to lose someone you love . It was the day that death becomes Him. I lost my youngest brother and my closest friend . I remember the excruciating pain. A Pain that up to this day leaves an imprint to my heart and soul.
This was our most painful and longest flight that my Mother, my Brother and myself have ever took going back home.
I can still remember in my silence I would take a deep breath played strong and would comfort my mother, my sister in law and brother . I need to be the rock to carry them through till the end of the whole process . I took my own emotions aside .. I know I can deal with her later after I am sure that all my loved ones were comforted .
Like a caterpillar I would swallow as much grief and sorrow that my mother and brother has . Until it was time for me to take my moment to deal with my grief , retreated to myself cried when no one can see me . Dried my tears and put on smile to comfort my mother . I didn’t count the months or the years that has passed . I just took my time to learned and absorbed all the things that happened around me.
Until that morning….
Usually between the 1st week of September till the last week that my brother had lived , I would relived the whole event over and over again . This was the time of the year where I would ran longer distances than I used to so I could numb the pain and the self blaming ( I would blamed myself for not doing good enough , yes me, myself and I were not friend yet.)
Until that one morning, I was with my usual fierce numbing moment , I met a lady who was having a leisure walked . She smiled at and I nod back , then she started talking me , irritated but trying to be polite ; I slowed down and engaged the conversations with her. I can still remember vividly how she smiled at me and asked why are you punishing yourself ? your brother doesn’t like seeing you like this .. Surprise, I looked at her without a word she just hugged me and I have cried like I have never cried for ages . It felt like I have let go of a burden that was in me for years .
I lost my beliefs in Angels and my faith was damaged deeply when my brother did His journey to eternity . But all those questions, doubts were answered that morning , She was an Angel in disguise so as I have choose to believed up to this day . She has helped me understand death and acceptance .
We could never defeat Death and accepting the outcome of fate doesn’t have to do with who wins or loses the battle .It is just LIFE and its painful cycle.
I picked up my pieces , I am ready ….
In life we would encounter moments that could break us , experiences that could enriched us . Everytime I get broken I turned into me , reflected the experiences and learned from it . Each time I am hurt I will take time to cry but I will always dried my tears and turned at the situation with forgiveness and a smile.
It will always take time to processed everything like a caterpillar that would take time to transform.
But at the end of every turbulence when we are done cocooning , We will not become a colorless bitter moth .
We will choose to be a butterfly with colourful wings that will have the enthusiasm to explore the different scents and colors of life.
Let that colourful wings of ours engulf the energy of Love , Wisdom and Strength that has embodied US in every life experiences.
*fun facts to know : cocooning was a word by Ms. Faith Popcorn
This is to all of you who have taught me the beauty and lessons of Love . Those of you who guided me through the different phases and faces of Love. I will try to peel Love in my own way, Here is my own version of Love oh My love .
The Love Giver
As an eldest in the family it has always been a given fact that I would take care of my younger siblings whether they were my brothers or my cousins . My nurturing skills has been developed at an early age ; I don’t mind taking sacrifices just for the sake of the well being of those who are dear to me .
During my younger years , at the time when the marriage of my parents were so troubled and they fought furiously , I would end up fighting back to my father to protect my mother and brothers . I would get hurt , but it was all worth it as long as my brothers were protected and my mother was spared from his abused and fist .
Years I have been a Love giver , I don’t mind if it was not reciprocated they way it should be all that matters was that they were happy and I believed that I was too . As a Love giver it is very surprising to be loved . A process that I have to learned and told myself I am worth a love just like others .
Yes, we also have to be the Love receiver . It is in this cycle that we filled our cup to be able to give again . For we can not give what we don’t have .I have observed that if my Love cup is empty self -pity and unworthiness comes .
We should give love because we are overflowing from it. I share love with a smile and without expectations . If you have read my Journey to Self Awakening : Discovering the Inner Strength I have discussed there the “FIRE” that glows in the middle of my stomach .. It is also that same fire that I would touch to let the love in me glow and warmth those people that I cared for. Learning the beauty of being a love giver through topping up from love that I have received around me, turns Love into compassion and kindness .
Loving Me, Myself and I
” Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we will ever” – Brene Brown
Ever since I encountered Love , the phrase LOVE THY Self was the first quote that I have learned. As I grew older I started to asked what does it really means by Loving THY SELF. Loving Me means I should be my own bestfriend, But we have a problem here for I am more of my own critic than a friend. This is the irony of all ironies I don’t know how to be my friend , everytime I commit a mistake or a not so good decision everyone around me would say it is okay except me . For days I would shame myself for not performing well, I see the microscopic imperfections and all others that goes with it .
Until that one moment in my life , I must make a choice that everyone disagreed and all the people that I thought would understand me turned their back on me . So, here I am face to face with myself . That meeting was awkward, I felt alone with a stranger within me .We started talking more, she tells me kind words and I would cry and she would comfort me . Myself becomes my rock my shelter.
I become a friend to myself and love me for my imperfectness. This is the moment that I felt one with myself and it felt so good .I would own every mistakes that I made with understanding and embrace every scars of lessons with compassion .
It is still a long process and there are days wherein as Ms.Brene Brown would call it in her book Daring Greatly “the gremlins of shame” would be kicking my ass but like a monk I would take a deep breath and would search inside me for the sunlight of courage that would kill these gremlins .
No matter how bruise I am, as long as I will show up for me with that loving gaze , then I know I will be okay.
I am proud of me because I am brave enough to love me with vulnerability.
Essence of Love
Let me end this journal with a thought that Love is showing up for yourself and for others with kindness, compassion and understanding . It is giving without any expectations in return.
Love is fighting for yourself with grace and dignity .
You are the most beautiful form of LOVE that this universe ever have.
You have captured my heart in many ways, you gave me both reason to frown and to smile. There are times that I just want to stop , to distance myself from all of these . I love and care too deep that it made me vulnerable . This scares me , for aside from my family, no one have ever penetrated my emotions this deep . Yes, Moonwalkers you are like little kryptonites that can weaken my superpowers .. So please be nice . ( I know the ” nice” definition moonwalkers way)
I see each one of you , connected in different levels , hear your voices , your whispers , your laughter and stories . At times , I will just close my eyes to not see things I shouldn’t have witnessed or play deaf so I hear no stories that is not intended for me.
Moonwalkers, you are full of complexity , but despite of this I would still take a bullet for you because I believe in our friendship , and vision . Your growth makes me proud never have I ever imagine that our vision and hope to touch lives especially those who needed most will become a reality. Hopefully we could continue to serve our community in our own little ways.
Core , I am nothing without you . You are in so many ways my confidant, adviser and cheerer when things gets tough . Your enthusiasm is my inspiration and the assuring nod when I am in doubt. Thank you !
On a fun note to end , Moonwalkers we will always be bullies till we are at our 80’s.. All the waiters in Butuan or elsewhere will be traumatize by our “dili mouli” attitude .. and bribe them with the last … super last order. And I hope when we will be at our 80s we will learn to talk and listen or can we minimize to not talk all at once?
I love you Moonwalkers and hoping to keep this fire of friendship burning. Forever proud Moonwalker.
They called themselves the twins from another womb. So different yet so alike . I call them Chuckie and The Rockstar .
She is very witty and a kin observant . When everyone is pointing and staring at the right direction she would dare to turn to the other side just so to give her intuition a certain satisfaction. Don’t be fool by her calmness for the storm of curios inquisitions would take you to prison. She is Chuckie, my beloved sister and friend .When we talk she rocks my world with laughter rolled with horror of amazement . She surprises me with her depth and sensitivity . She is both secure and insecure , bold and shy . I love her warmth ,her simple joy and the endless conversations that we at times shared . Her infectious laughter and her grateful heart.Chuckie doesn’t know that in so many ways she have touched the very core of being . I have learned so much from her . Chuckie will always be a part of the smile that my soul has . The Rockstar
She is feisty , bubbly and full of stories . A powerhouse of ideas, she is both a comic and a sensitive soul . A devoted mother and friend , You can tell her almost everything and she will process it with open mind. The bully with a huge heart , our common friends love to tease her and she would gladly fight back, it is like in the arena of boxing . If you give her a jab she would give you an uppercut and a jab as a follow up blow..Her love for both her biological and classroom children is impeccable. She is willing to do just a little more sacrifice for their future . Voluntarily she gives them surprises may it be a cubies or a corner to hang out . A true educator by heart for she will never have a second thoughts of doing something as long as the children will benefit from it . Even if the rest of the world will be against her . A Rockstar indeed , for she cares to the people and things that matters most . She is still a working progress in tuning her emotions that would sometimes be flying due to her spontaneity and passion . You will get there my dear Rockstar.
This is a three way road of a strong personalities bonded with the traffic rules of respect and love . We would share all kinds of stories from a metaphoric views to a very realistic brutally . We laugh at our silliness and embrace our stories with empathy and love . To have them as a fellow drivers in these crazy traffics makes the journey of life more fun meaningful and bearable .Thank you Chuckie and my favorite rockstar for riding this trip with me . Lets us explore more and grow deeper in this journey . I am forever grateful and humbled by this friendship that you have shared with me .As Tinkerbell said in the movie Tinkerbell and the lost treasures ” They cannot be held in your hands. They’re held within your heart. For worldly things will fade away as seasons come and go . But the treasure of true friendship will never lose its glow.”
The glow of our friendship will always be wrap with pixie dust in my heart and will always be one of my happy thoughts .
There is a candle in heart , ready to be kindle. There is a void in your soul ready to be filled. You feel it don’t you ? — RUMI
Not so long ago in a wonderful road of friendship I met a pretty fragile soul . Her beauty exudes a warmth of innocence of a child that you wanted to protect. It is an image that you would easily be enraptured.
For quite a time now, I have walked with her, We held hands as we took a start to this journey of friendship . Like a shy rainbow in the sky that is hides behind the clouds , I have discovered the shades of her fragilities . Red and orange flies when she smile , worries and frown over a situation may it be her own or someone dear to her. Blue, when she is hurt and sad , yellow , ooh I love when her shade turns to yellow for I see in her eyes and smile the hope that speaks of tomorrow. This happen so seldom for she is a worrier she cares and love too much, too deep . The deep sincerity that she has with our friendship is the Indigo of her rainbow .
Those whom who witness her coolness over certain situations saw that violent purple of light shines within her.
A kindled soul that awaits to spark , a shy rainbow that slowly creeps outside that clouds.
My dear fragile beautiful soul let us walk more roads together for I am enjoying the sparks of light and colors around the spectrum of our friendship as we both filled the void of our souls .
“Rain didn’t make things messy. People did all on their own .” — Barbara Delinsky , The Secret Between Us .
It is when you have decided to just let it be . Enjoy and make the best of everything, The unexpected things happened .
He walked in through that door like a cold hush of wind in that winter morning . He is aloof yet sweet, naughty yet decent, playful yet serious. A deciever yet honest . He would push you away to a distance that he could easily reach you. He is my complication
He embodied everything that I detest yet I am drown closer to him. He is the tears that falls from eyes and the smile that curves my lips. He is my complication.
Wiggle and struggle , tried to untangle this knot of connection towards my complication.
Experienced multiple death towards this untanglement. Shattered my heart .
Walk a far reaching for that Hand . The hand that exudes warmth of understanding and non judgemental .
Cling on , as I wiggle and struggle.
My complication is calling me like a tempter in a cold empty night . I hear him , I want to adhere , to surrender towards the voice of my complication .
I cling on harder to the grip of this hand of friendship that understands the struggle of my innermost soul. I am thankful , I am lucky for he is my sanity .
There he is again my wonderful tempter complication .